Disney World is the Happiest Place on Earth, until you realize your digestive system has other plans. Whether it’s the churros, the turkey legs, or just the sheer stress of paying $200 for park entry, sometimes your body decides it’s time to let loose. Here are 25 locations where you absolutely, positively do NOT want to be the person responsible for a toot in the House of Mouse.
1. It’s a Small World Ride
Trapped in a slowly moving boat while a song designed by Satan plays on loop. You fart. Now everyone in a 50-foot radius is stuck in an enclosed gondola with you for the next 15 minutes. The song continues. So does the smell.
2. The Haunted Mansion Stretching Room
Everyone’s standing shoulder-to-shoulder waiting for the doors to seal. You let one rip. The security camera captures it. Someone in the break room rewinds it. You’re now part of Disney folklore.
3. The Cinderella Castle Meet & Greet Line
You’re five people away from getting your photo with the princess. The line is packed. You feel it coming. No. No, not now. You can’t fart in front of a magical princess. But your colon has other ideas.
4. Seven Dwarfs Mine Train
You’re crammed with strangers in a mine car. The song hits that climactic note. That’s when you explode. The musical crescendo masks nothing. The family across from you knows. They will discuss this at Thanksgiving.
5. The Monorail
Glass-enclosed. Elevated. Nowhere to hide. You’re floating above Tomorrowland and you’ve turned it into Yesterday’sland. That tourist from Ohio will never visit again.
6. Tom Sawyer Island
You’re crammed with 80 other people on a slow-moving river barge. The smell carries over open water like a noxious fog. Whoever’s downwind is getting a full face of your colon’s opinion.
7. Avatar Flight of Passage
You’re sitting directly next to strangers in a 3D experience. Pandora will always smell a little different now.
8. The Hall of Presidents
You’re surrounded by animatronic presidents while committing a biological felony. George Washington is judging you. Lincoln looks disappointed.
9. The Carousel of Progress
It’s great to live in the modern world, says the animatronic family. You’ve just scientifically disproven that statement for everyone around you.
10. Dumbo the Flying Elephant
You’re sitting in a moving elephant with your family while unleashing a silent-but-deadly weapon. Your spouse, your kids, that elderly couple. They’ve all lost their innocence.
11. The Line for Space Mountain
Hundreds of people. Standing still. Waiting. You decide this is when your stomach declares independence. Word spreads down the line, except it smells.
12. Disney Character Dining
You’re eating Norwegian food while meeting princesses. Your gut is staging a protest. Belle just smiled at your child while you’re emitting something that definitely doesn’t smell royal.
13. The Jungle Cruise Boat
Packed with 30 people on a boat in humid Florida. The air conditioning isn’t strong enough. The skipper can’t joke over the smell. You’re all just stuck.
14. Rapunzel’s Tower
You’re in a cramped bathroom area while guests wait. The next person is going to think this tower has its own ventilation problems.
15. Prince Charming Regal Carrousel
Horses going in circles. You’re sitting on a horse. You’re going in circles. Your fart is going in circles. This is psychological warfare.
16. Pinocchio’s Daring Journey
Crammed in a small car with your family in a dark ride. It’s intimate. It’s cozy. It’s about to be disgusting. And it’s 7 minutes long.
17. Meet Mickey at Town Square Theater
Families waiting in line. You’re next. You fart. Mickey takes a tiny animatronic breath and soldiers on. You will think about this for years.
18. The Speedway
Driving in a bumper car while crammed with riders. Someone else is steering. You have no control, much like your bowels. Perfect storm.
19. Enchanted Tales with Belle
Standing in Belle’s house with 40 people. She’s trying to create magic. You’re creating biological warfare.
20. The Bridge Between Lands
Walking from Fantasyland to Liberty Square. Crowded. You fart. The smell funnels through the entire crowd like biological funnel cake.
21. Splash Mountain Log Flume
At the peak, packed with strangers. You fart. The family below gets sprayed. They’ll never know, but they’ll suspect.
22. Inside the Crystal Palace
All-you-can-eat buffet dinners. You’re packed with families while Winnie bounces around. You’ve added an unwanted fourth course.
23. The Kite Tails Theater Queue
Full of kids waiting to meet characters. You’ve turned a magic moment into a smell moment. Therapy awaits them.
24. The Fastpass Lightning Lane Queue
You paid extra to skip the line. You’re packed more efficiently. Progress has made things worse. You’ve turned your money into regret.
25. The Disney Bus
Late. Crowded. Everyone tired. On a climate-controlled vehicle with 50 people. Your fart is the final straw. The bus driver pretends not to notice.
Conclusion
Disney World is magical in many ways, but your digestive system cares not for magic. Eat carefully, hydrate responsibly, and remember: the show must go on, but the smell might precede you.
See you real soon! Your Colon